Happy Advent!

Today is the first Sunday of Advent. This is my favorite season
of the church calendar year as it's filled with such activity and
preparations for celebrating Jesus' birth and the hope that surrounds it.

It's a time of
expectant waiting and preparation
for the celebration of the Nativity of Jesus.

Well, do I know about expectant waiting and preparation or what?
I feel like the last 2 1/2 years have been consumed by
expectant waiting and this hospital stay is no different.
Except that I'm closer to expecting than I've ever been before.

But, what happens when the expectant waiting
and preparation doesn't go like you expected it to?
When I found out our due date was in March,
I envisioned Christmas with a big ol' round twin
pregnancy belly and putting up the tree and sending
a card with my "glowing" pregnant self on it. I pictured
spending the holidays not only preparing for the day
itself, but, preparing for the arrival of our babies.
Boy, has that changed!
Now, I'm preparing for each day and what it
might bring- both good and bad.
I'm doing my Christmas shopping on-line
and figuring out how to get wrapping paper in
to my hospital room. I'm trying to envision
a little tree here in my room and how
weird Christmas morning will feel waking up alone.
I'm trying to wipe out of my mind the
way our house looks & feels at this time of year...
because this year it will be different.
I'm ignoring the urges to bake cookies,
to go to parties and to hunt for the perfect
gift for my loved ones.

Each day, I work very hard at reminding myself
that I'm doing all that I can to give this little
girl the best start I can at life. And that will have
to be enough.

Giving Thanks

In the midst of our long and difficult journey
to be parents, I have often reveled in how
much we have to be thankful for:
~ family, friends and colleagues who offer
support in ways we couldn't imagine.
~ jobs with flexibility
~ medical care from some of the best in the country
~ the knowledge & wisdom to ask the right
questions (most of the time)
~ un-ending and ever growing love & care for each other

As we celebrate Thanksgiving from a hospital room
tomorrow, we will raise all of these things up with
gratitude.

And, now, for a baby girl update:
At yesterday's ultrasound, I was able to see her
practicing her breathing, hiccuping, and yawning
(being the center of attention is so tiring!).
She's still breech and in a pike position with her legs
straight out and up by her face. She did tuck in a leg
and the sonographer found a pocket of fluid there- hooray!
Her stomach and bladder were full, which is great news.
She is still showing a strong heartbeat at each non-stress test.

As for me, I'm holding stable- - no signs of infection.
I'm grateful to work from here each day and for the frequent
visitors and nurse check-ins. Mike comes in the evenings,
and it's lonely each time he leaves, but, it's important that
he get the rest and down-time he needs.

What are you thankful for?
Sara

Happy Birthday, Dandy!

Today is my paternal grandmother's birthday.
Although she passed ten years ago, I think of
her often. I've called out to her for strength, perseverance
and the ability to be kind and patient.
Dandy was quite a woman: quiet and polite
on the outside, yet tough and determined on the inside.
You see, she faced great loss in her life.
By the age of 11, she had lost both of her
parents within a 12 month span. She and
her siblings were then split up to be raised.

As she started to build her own family with
Grandpa Al, she survived three stillborn babies
AND the raising of my dad and his three siblings! :)
While I can't yet speak to the raising of a child,
I can be in awe of the strength she must have
had to endure such great loss of her own
children. Along our journey, I have often
wondered how she did it....why she continued...
and how she faced each day. I can only
hope to be 1/2 the woman she was.

In your honor today, Dandy...thank
you for showing us great strength
and great love.

From Where I Sit...

I've moved! I'm now in room 7701 at Duke University Hospital.
This is the antepartum floor which is where
they put the stable patients who are awaiting delivery,
whether in a few days or a few months.

The nursing staff has been good to me; they
are cheering us on and helping me to
remain positive and calm. (No easy feat, I assure you!)

What's getting to be a bit funny is the
food service experience. I don't have
any dietary restrictions, so, I get to order
from a pre-printed menu each day for the
following day's meals. Well, each day, at
least at one meal (sometimes two!), my
tray has been missing something or had
something on it that I didn't order.
And, one night, they forgot me with
the dinner tray! After two calls to food service,
a tray arrived, but, it was STONE cold.
Finally, the manager showed up with a hot plate
at 8:45PM! Oh well, if these little tidbits
are the most excitement that we have,
we'll be very lucky!

24 weeks!

Well, today is a big day in the baby's development:
it's what the medical community calls "viability day",
meaning this marks the first and earliest chance for
survival outside the womb. That being said, we
would like to keep baby girl in the "oven" for as long
as possible!
The ultrasound this morning revealed
expected development for her age in
combination with premature rupture of membranes.
Here are some stats:
Growth: 10th percentile (lil' peanut)
Weight: 1lb, 4 ounces
Fluid pocket: 1cm - this is 1/2 the minimum! (very scary)

From here, we'll do twice weekly ultrasounds to
check her fluid levels and then in 3 weeks, we'll
do another growth scan.

Thanks be to God for this day,
and for each one to come!

A Year Ago

Well, here I am...finally writing in to catch you up to speed on the going's on.

Saturday, November 14: 4AM
My water broke around the baby girl.
I was admitted to Duke and assessed for all kinds of things
including infection and contractions, etc.
We received visits from everyone, including neonatologists
who spoke to us about resuscitation and the possibility
of a still birth situation. Fear, panic and shock had set in.
Milestones:
Making it 48 hours without delivery: CHECK
Making it to 24 weeks (11/20): CHECK
Making it to 28 weeks (12/18)
Making it to 34 weeks (1/ 29/10)

We've crossed through two of the four big milestones
and each day is a gift. So far, both baby and I are stable
PRAISE BE TO GOD!

Now, here's the double whammy of the situation:
On November 18, 2008, I was admitted to Duke
with a uterine infection already brewing.
On November 19, I lost the twins during an emergency
D&C. On November 20, I left the hospital for the 2nd
time in 6 months with an empty womb and a broken  heart.

We are thankful to be farther along and
hopeful for a different and much better outcome.
I am doing  all that I can to keep this baby safe
and cared for. We have the best care that we can get.

Again, Mike and I marvel at the support in our lives.
It's like seeing God work every day.

A New Normal

The journey to become parents has been all about
being afraid of then discovering and denying
and adjusting to, a "new" normal.

We are no longer that newly married couple, who ditched
the birth control in hopes of making a baby.
We are no longer that couple who is just taking
some pills to become pregnant.
We are no longer a couple that hasn't been to
every specialist in the area to talk about our babymaking issues.
We are no longer that couple who hasn't lost a baby (or four).

We ARE a couple who has put our energy (and money!)
in to fertility treatments, doctors' appointments,
and countless pregnancy tests and tricks.
We ARE a couple that has heard
"I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."
We ARE a couple who was freightened to death
during the labor and partial delivery of 13 week twins.

More than this, though,

We ARE a couple who are growing closer to
our faith, both individually and together.
We ARE a couple who witness
over and over again the generosity and
compassion of our family, friends and colleagues.
We ARE a couple who is more deeply in love
and more committed to each other
and to parenthood than ever before.
Now, THAT's my kind of "normal".

22 Week Survey

I've enjoyed reading others' weekly surveys and thought
I would try one myself.
How far along? 22 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: + 14 pounds...whoa, nelly!
Maternity clothes? for pants, definitely, tops, maybe
Stretch marks? none that are pregnancy related.
Sleep: eh...some good nights, some not so good nights.
Best moment this week: another great ultrasound...she's growing!
Movement:  More forceful now...definitely in the evening and middle of the night
Food cravings: Not really "craving" anything, but still avoiding spicy...reducing the risk of heartburn!
Gender: did someone say, pink?
Labor signs: No, thank goodness!
Belly button in or out? Getting more shallow by the day
What I miss: My students, going to work, working out...
What I am looking forward to: Her arrival! but before that, decorating and preparing for her.
Weekly Wisdom: Take it one day at a time
Milestones: We registered...and fingers crossed, it didn't jinx anything!
----------------------------------------------
12 days until viability....WOOHOO!  I am anxious for that milestone
and will feel even better at the 28 week mark.
We're also coming up on the one year
anniversary (November 19th) of losing our first set of twins,
so, I might be a bit more reflective in my posts
as that day draws closer.
 
Sara

From election day to bedrest...

Yeah...it's one of "those" days! Lots of thoughts swimming
in my mind...about many different things. So, I'll try to make some
sense of it, but I won't promise that the parts will equal the whole!
----------------
A year ago today, Obama was being elected to the Presidency of
the United States of America. I assume that it was a life-altering
day for he and his family. But more than that, it was a history-making
day for our country. I recall vividly the hope and promise that his
victory brought to our nation...or at least to my household. I wonder
what he thinks of his progress one year later? I wonder if he has taken
the time to reflect on the past year and evaluate his actions and
experiences during his first year in office. Do you think he has time to reflect?
Maybe he pays someone to do it for him? :)
-----------------
I've been thinking recently about the life lessons that bedrest is teaching me.

For those of you who don't know, I was placed on
bedrest, or couch rest, as I like to call it, at 15 weeks pregnant
after the water broke around our twin boy.

At first, I spent much of my time being anxious and
worrying about the health of both babies, but particularly the little boy.
And, who am I kidding, I'm still worried about the well-being
of my little girl, and that won't change until the end of my life!
As the weeks have passed and the ultrasounds keep
showing us her growth and development, I am starting
to see the lessons to be learned from  "couchrest":
~ there's no need to hurry anywhere.
~ the world still turns while I stay home and that's OK.
~  I am in awe at the generosity and compassion of our friends & family.
~ I can do more with a laptop and a phone than I ever imagined
( and believe me, I thought I'd done it all with those two items!)
~ I have taken the time to talk with Mike and to really listen
~ I have made time to be quiet and talk with God
(something that was missing in my life!)
So, it's not "all bad" and it's not all consumed with worry and anxiety.
Here's to hoping that I can take these lessons with me when life
resumes it's frantic pace.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading!
Sara